Happy Mothers Day

I was not the type of woman that grew up wanting children. I was a child of the 70's feminist movement. I knew I could have it ALL but mostly I just wanted a career. When and IF I had a child it was going to be on MY terms and not societies. I had been married for 7 years, had just done a shitload of tv shows as a comedian when Io and behold I was late getting my BFF. Now understand this, I was ALWAYS TERRIFIED of getting pregnant, I used to put in a diaphragm, foam and make my husband wear 2 condoms. But here I was, working a comedy club up in Seattle and I was feeling funny, not standup funny, body funny. I went to the drugstore to get the home pregnancy test and went back to the comedy condo to use it. These were in the early days when the test would be pink if you were or white if you weren't. Well for the life of me I couldn't figure out what color it was. My friend and I spent the ENTIRE day going back and forth. Is it pink, looks like it, nope, yep, etc. That night I went onstage and let's just say I realized I was NOT pregnant.

You know what? I got sad. When I got home my husband and I started to try for real. He was thrilled, unprotected sex for months! I got pregnant immediately. At my parent's apartment. I kid you not. My mother walked in asking if we wanted bagels in the morning. She had NO CLUE what was conspiring under those covers or so she said......This time I got a BETTER home pregnancy test and yessir I was preggers. Having my son Layne blindsided me, I fell in love with him the moment I awoke from my drugged stupor. I fell into motherhood so easy I shoulda been catholic. My whole life was consumed by this little bundle of flesh. As he grew up I was there all the time, taking him to playdates, making sure he got to school, kissing his booboos away. Hell I even moved to Las Vegas so he could have some semblance of a normal life. Yeah, his mom worked in topless burlesque shows as the comic and was vice-president of the PTA, REAL NORMAL.

We grew very close, still are to this day. But at some point you realize that well, they need to be on their own, regardless of your relationship. Letting go of my son was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am a typical jewish mother so to NOT be clinging to him every waking moment is a huge step for me. But I knew that it was time. Just before he turned 18 in 2010, I was asked to go overseas to perform for our military in Kuwait and Iraq. I had been asked numerous times but always wanted to wait till he was older. The flight over was 13 hours and when we got there our American phones would not work. It was the first time I didn't hear his voice for 3 DAYS! We got to "talk" online but I didn't speak to him until I got to the hotel in Iraq and was able to use a free military phone. When I finally did talk to him, he wouldn't stop! We had a 15 minute time limit and I was the one who to say I had to go. By the way, you ever want your teenager to talk to you, go work in a warzone! What did the trip teach me?

Well he was just fine without me hovering all the time and yes it freed me up to do things I wanted to do. I just had to figure out what the hell THAT was. 2011 seems to be the year of teaching me to let go. Of my son, of my past, of my stuff. When all you know is what surrounds you, it's very hard to venture out into the unknown. And so I've let go. And it's tough. I haven't had to deal with ME for almost 20 years. Kids are a GREAT diversion. And then if you've done a good job they go onto their own lives. And if you've done a GREAT job they actually call you once in awhile to ask your advice. I remember when I was in my 20's I called my mom for advice and she said " Carole, no matter what I tell you to do, you're gonna do what you want anyway" And that's the way it should be. Happy Mother's Day.

National Mom: Just Like my Dad!

Growing up my father was larger than life. He spoke loud, he drank loud. He did his entire life loud. By trade my dad was a teacher, during the summer vacations he worked as a bartender in the Catskill Mountains. On the side he was a bookie, but that's a WHOLE other column. For so many summer days I would watch him set up the bar in the afternoon. In would walk some of the comedy greats, Rodney Dangerfield, Jackie Mason, Totie Fields. They were there to do their soundcheck. Is it a wonder I feel so at home in a bar? That I became a comedian myself? I wanted to be just like him (many would say I am).

I remember when I was just a little girl, I would sit and watch him shave every morning. The shaking of the shaving cream can, filling the sink with water, getting out his razor. The sound of the razor against his skin, the dipping of the razor in the water, then the tapping. How I so wanted to be him.

One morning I asked him if I could shave with him and lo and behold he said yes. Quite the odd request from a girl. I'm sure he was thinking of the therapy bills coming down the pike. I stood next to him on the toilet bowl lid and put shaving cream on my face and with a toothbrush followed everything my dad did. Even patted my self down with what I will assume was old spice and, off to school! I went smelling like my dad, but beaming.

I got so much of who I am from my dad, especially my sense of humor. My dad could tell a joke! Laughing was something we always shared and I would learn to share as I grew up. We would watch I Love Lucy during dinner, Abbot and Costello on Sundays before football and my beloved Marx Brothers whenever their movies showed on tv. I can still remember me and my dad on our family vacation in Europe repeating lines from Go West as we walked down cobblestone streets.

My dad is 81 now, his step a little slower, his mind a little weaker. It's easy to get frustrated with him as I still move at the speed of sound. He's still loud but that's because his hearing is going. That's what the sadness of aging is, you remember the young and vibrant person you once were as you look in the mirror and see someone who is breaking down. It's what happens, it's life. I do worry about him. When the time will come when he can't do for himself, what then? One thing for sure, I got dibs on giving him a shave.

COOL MA

When my son was younger I would do anything to make him happy. It was my life's mission to prove how cool a mom I was. I'm not sure why I had this need, but every year it seemed to be more urgent. I was big on doing what other moms wouldn't. Hell I worked in 2 different TOPLESS Las Vegas shows, I win on that credit alone everytime. I am fearless in life, when it comes to my son I am Superman. My son today is an accomplished musician and writer, when he was young he just loved music. Anytime we could take him to see a rock concert that was all ages, my husband and I would try to get tickets. He saw Joe Walsh at age 4, Chumbawumba at 6, Everclear at 10. Here's what type of mom I am. We got the tickets to Everclear but were seated in the balcony. My son was able to sneak to the front of the balcony cause he was 10 and adorable. Just before Everclear does their last number the lead singer Art announces that they will take fans onstage to dance with them for the last number. I look at my son, he is raising his hand cause he thinks like a student and was waiting to get picked. Now I see this and know, there's NO WAY they're gonna see him so I run and grab him and we start running down the backstairs to get to the floor of the club. Of course in my haste I'd forgotten we were at a ROCK CONCERT WITH EVERCLEAR. No one was budging, everyone was pushing to get to the front and not letting us through. Now you know how we moms are, I start pushing my way through crowds of drunk, tattooed, pierced men to get to the front and give my son his moment. I'm getting elbowed and body slammed left and right. Finally I said to this humongous creature, "Do I look like I want to go onstage with Art?" The guy turns around and sees Layne and then the coolest thing happened. He goes "Yo, little dude, c'mon!" And he makes a path for him to get to the front. Of course Art is now saying no more people please. Layne is heartbroken. All of a sudden, everyone in the front starts pointing to my son. At that moment Art nods and they lift him up to get onstage with his favorite band. Layne still says it's one of his favorite memories. The kicker is as we were leaving the show, he went to the bathroom by himself. I figured at 10 he didn't want to go into the ladies room so I always would time him. 3 minutes and he's not out, I'm going in. Well he walks out talking to an older guy and I run over to him terrified. The guy says to me " I was just a the concert, he's a cool kid. When he gets old enough, I wanna give him is first tattoo" And he gives me his card and walks away. And that's why I'm a cool ma.

SATURDAY IN TUCSON

When I launched National Mom in 2010, I was hoping to raise awareness to the constant bickering that seemed to be going on in our fine country. "Everyone is right, no one is to blame, I'll just yell louder" And now this. 20 people shot, 6 people dead including a child. How's that anger working out for you……EVERYONE? Now in the weeks to come there will be blame from the left and blame from the right. Already the right is calling the shooter a liberal who didn't agree with Gifford's views . Umm she's a DEMOCRAT or have you all forgotten that? And the left is blaming Sarah Palin. Did she put the gun in his hand? Absolutely not. Did the map with targets over certain congress members have something to do with it? Probably not, but it does make me wonder why all of Sarah's yee haw tweets have been mysteriously scrubbed. Is she finally getting a conscience? Nope, someone on her team realized that after the incident, it may be on poor taste to keep it up there. The excuse of course is that it should've been taken down long ago. Yet it stayed up and NOW it gets taken down. But enough on her, people know how I feel about that subject.
Here's the point, SIX PEOPLE DIED. Why is it that whenever we disagree, all this rage comes spewing out. On twitter I watched people go off on each other in the most brutal way possible, everyone FORGETTING the severity of the situation. As someone who lost a family member to violence, I can tell you that it is something you never get over. You are always looking over your shoulder wondering who the next crazy person is. The families of the people killed are in such horrific pain. Can't ANYONE have a civil disagreement anymore? You know being able to disagree is one of the great things about this country, so is being able to own a gun. How sad that instead of bonding together we are all fighting and yelling to see who gets out on top. Once again, no one is taking responsiblity but blaming the other side. How fucking 10 years old of you!
I wonder what will happen if one day there really is a war on our beloved USA land, will we fight together or throw each other in harms way? Sadly I think I know the answer.

Oh British Petroleum...shame on you

As National Mom, one of the most frustrating things is watching people running away from their responsibilities. When as a nation did it become okay to do something bad and get away with it? Oh yeah, thanks OJ Simpson. Yes there are other examples on both sides of the political fence but I choose NOT to go there. If we as a species don't start manning up and admit to our mistakes, well then you in BIG TROUBLE LUCY.
The problem with BP is they know how much shit they are in and yet they think it's okay to get their lawyers to try to get people to sign papers absolving their company from any damages. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY? Your screw up has lost people their livelihood, not counting the thousands of living species you destroyed. But yet it comes down to saving your own skin and most importantly money. It's like when you see a kid break something and when you call him on it he looks innocently at you and says "I didn't do it"
When I lived in Las Vegas, every morning my neighbor would revve his muscle car at 6 AM just to show how big his dick was. Finally we explained to him, that people around him were sleeping and it wasn't the neighborly thing. You know what? He stopped. So listen up BP! Stop spilling oil all over the gulf of mexico, it's NOT the neighborly thing to do..... MAN UP AND FIX THIS.

Haiti and the Cheerleaders

So I get a request for comedians for a quick 3 day trip to Haiti to perform for the guys and gals who've been done there since the earthquake in January. I grab my trusty partner in comedy crime Leighann Lord and off we go. Since there was no US military presence before the earthquake all of the bases are makeshift. Kinda made me pine for the accomodations in Baghdad. After a slight mishap finding our ride (let's just put it this way, Haitians say NO alot if they don't understand you), we were off to get settled in. The ride from the airport to the base took no time, hell we could've walked it if I knew where I was going. We get to our tents (thankfully airconditioned) to settle in. The weather in Haiti is unrelenting hot with humidity. Later in the day we walked to the DFAC to get something to eat and as we walked back I noticed 3 women by our tent. All in beautiful black suits, high heels and sunglasses. Ahh the cheerleaders have arrived. They were PERFECTLY COIFFED, made up to the hilt and were gorgeous. I was in cargo pants, hair in a scrunchy with sweat pouring down my face. Proof that although I was a cheerleader in high school, it was good I went on a different path.
Let me say I am NOT a girly girl (if you didn't realize it from mention of the cargo pants) and I had raised a son. So rooming with these girls was like having 3 daughters for a few days. What I got from them was this, you CAN look amazing amongst the worst conditions. Especially if you bring hair products, LOTS of them. Even when we were flying in a blackhawk, these girls looked flawless. I don't know HOW they did it but I have a feeling it's a closely guarded secret there in Miami. Someday I'd like to try being a girl for a few hours but I'm not getting rid of the cargo pants.

A Liberal's View of War

Let me start by saying yes I am against war, ANY war. I am a mother. I certainly don't want MY son in harm's way nor anyone else's for that matter, regardless of what god they believe in. That said, last October I was approached by ARMED FORCES ENTERTAINMENT to produce a comedy tour in the Middle East. One stipulation, they wanted me to perform to on the tour. And you know what? This little old anti-war mommy jumped in with both feet.
My father is a Korean War veteran. He is almost 80 years old and still can't bring himself to fully discuss what happened to him. So I always wanted to go overseas to perform for the troops. To give some laughs in a very tense atmosphere. To honor my dad and his friends who never returned home. But I didn't want to leave my young son, on the off chance I didn't make it back. Cut to this fall, my son's turning 18 in a few months, now's the time. So here was this menopausal, jewish, liberal going off to Kuwait and Iraq. What Empty Nest syndrome?
Besides being one of the best experiences of my life I also learned a few things. Back home we, myself included, are under the misguided notion that our troops don't want to be fighting or even be there. Let me set this straight....the entire time I was in Iraq there was not ONE WORD of discontent. And I had time to talk to quite a few soldiers. Did they miss their families? Absolutely! I go away for the weekend and I'm homesick. But the feeling that I got was that this was their job. They chose a life in the military. And they're smart as a whip. Are they bloodthirsty savages, enjoying the killings they are forced to do? Once again, no. But if you have someone throw a bomb at a stryker and it injures some of your buddies, you damn well are going out to find who did it and make them pay. Maybe it's the Brooklyn in me, but I have always been an eye for an eye kinda gal.
As a liberal, I have to say that we are still stuck in a Vietnam mindset of these "poor boys" were made to go over. That's what I thought and I was proven wrong over and over. Are they children? Yes, they are, but they have a sense of duty and loyalty that you just can't teach in Little League. I was so in awe of these men and women, not much older than my own son doing their duty to their country. Teenagers were flying the C-130 I went to Iraq in. TEENAGERS!
Now do I think we should be there? NO. War is nasty & horrific, but no matter how evolved humans become someone is gonna want something that they can't have and end up fighting for it. The Middle East has been fighting amongst themselves for many years, they don't want a resolution. They just want to argue...sorta like Congress. Now that we ARE there, we have to step up to the plate and finish the job, regardless of who started it. That's my biggest problem with the media and politicians both LEFT and Right. No one wants to resolve anything, just dig their feet in and say..NO YOU'RE WRONG. There is no solution, just more fighting. In that way America is JUST LIKE the Middle East. My point here is, while these grownup "children" are arguing who's right and who's wrong, real CHILDREN are being put in harm's way. And that's what's wrong with war.

He's a man, baby

Most of my closest friends expected me to be in a puddle today as my only son turns 18. I have a tendency to cry at the drop of a hallmark commercial when it comes to Layne. Surprisingly I'm ok with it. Do I miss the baby, toddler, young boy? Absolutely! One of my favorite things to do with Layne as a small child was cuddling up with a good book and reading it to him. Yesterday we sang Thunder Road while he played guitar. Not the same thing but joyous also. Today I feel proud when I look at him. Maybe it was being around all of those young soldiers both men and women. I saw how capable they were at such a young age. Todd & I did a good job, he is a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young MAN....There I said it

And we're done

Funny how ten days away can change your perspective. My feelings going over to perform for the troops was excitement but in the back of my head I knew what the risks were. The tour started us off easy, 5 star hotel, big base, lots of troops excited to hear some comedy. We went to bed exhilarated. Next day was the first day of travel in the Blackhawks. I felt like a little girl, weeeeeee.
When we landed in Tarmiya we all knew this was a DIFFERENT type of base. All men, well boys really. We spoke at length about war and the bad guys. Stuff I couldn't comprehend but understand now. As they were getting ready to go on a mission they sat and posed with us for pictures and joked around. They were leaving to go into certain danger. 3 of their colleagues had been injured a week before from a bomb and yet each was going with no trepidation. We all know war sucks but these young men were there tp do their job and they do it with such bravery. This tour has been one of the best experiences of my life.

Day 2

NOW it gets interesting. We leave to board our first blackhawk which was also 3 hours late. Gives new meaning to 3 hour tour. Our first stop was a foward operating base which means they are the ones that go out and do the sweeps for the enemy. No women in the crowd, they were smoking cigars I felt like I was in the remake of the Dirty Dozen. They couldn't have been nicer. They were going out on a mission right after our show so we got to see them get ready for battle. They even had a bomb sniffing dog. Which Leighann and I fawned over (we asked if we could) The dog was my highlight. These guys are leaving and facing emminent danger and yet they had time to pose for pictures with us and joke with us. Then off to the next camp. Larger base, 400 troops. Again great crowd. I have never felt so proud to be an American. We had to rush the last meet and greet to get to the Blackhawk to get back to Baghdad. I am wiped and yet wide awake. And grateful. Oh so grateful

Day one Iraq

So we get to the airbase to take a C-130 at around 9. We then proceed to wait....for 3 hours. There's alot of waiting in the military. We finally get to board, there isn't enough room on the plane so I get sent upstairs. I'm thinking 747 cocktail lounge. I'm going to sit in the cockpit with the flight crew. HOLY SHIT. I'm looking at these kids who aren't much older than my son Layne and they're flying a C-130?? My kid can't do his own laundry.
We get to Baghdad and we're all just beat so we took a quick nap and then performed for about 300 troops. And you will hear comics say again and again, the military are the best audiences in the world.

Finally here

I wasn't sure how I was gonna fare being in a plane for 12 hours. As a New Yorker I must GO GO GO. We left an hour late and while up in the air someone passed out after ten hours 2 rows behind us. So we killed an hour watching everyone try to revive him. As we got off the plane I remembered something from when I traveled as a child. Outside of the USA women are second class citizens, WTF? Not knowing what to do as far a visas I kept asking questions and NOONE would help "just get in line and wait". The Visa line looked like the DMV in Los Angeles, I figured we were there for the night. Luckily we got through everything in a hour and we in out hotel by 930 and at the buffet by 10. It is now 6 AM Kuwait time and I slept for about 5 1/2 hours. Not sure if I can get back to sleep so hence, the blog. Our military liason is a wonderful man named Col. Schock. We sat with him at dinnertime and he answered all our questions stupid or not. I am still in wonder that you board a metal object in one place and end up across the world 12 hours later. 52 years old and I'm still a kid when I travel. Later today is our first show. It can't get here fast enough

I'm sitting in the Sheraton Hartford as I wait for night to fall so I can do my comedy thing. This morning I had breakfast in the restaurant with about 30 college hockey players. All young, all robust and all hungry. Seriously there was NOTHING left in the buffet. When the waitress went to refill the yogurts I had to push my way in just to get to the blueberry one. And I looked at these loud, laughing, young men. Tomorrow I go to Kuwait, then Iraq where I will meet young men and women roughly the same age as the hockey players. Do they still have that twinkle in their eyes that comes from just being well 20 years old? If not I hope that us comics being there gives them some kind of joy.
As Americans we have so much that we take for granted. Shelter, food, plumbing, FREEDOM.
And so the adventure begins.

Welcome to National Mom

Awhile back I was ranting about how politicians just keep arguing. They never want to solve anything, each side just WANTS TO BE RIGHT. And I realized both sides need to be put in TIME OUT. They are acting like children and should be treated as such, hence why we need a NATIONAL MOM.
I leave for Kuwait and Iraq on Sunday January 31. I am hoping to be able to blog about my trip while there. To be around our troops who are only a few years older than my own son will be enlightening to say the least. I'm sure they miss their moms, I'm hoping I can make them smile. I want to hear what THEY think. No one ever asks the people doing the grunt work their opinion.
I am going over with some of my closest comedy friends. Leighann Lord, Mark Riccadonna, Stephen Kruiser and Felicia Michaels.
Wish me luck

Seventeen years ago on February 17

I gave birth to a baby boy. To this day I cannot tell you how blindsided I was by the emotion I was feeling. I never knew the depth of love until my son. That said, he is 17 , 6'3" with an serious girlfriend. And yes, I'm fine. Every birthday I take photos out of him as a baby/toddler/boy and he rolls his eyes. And I fawn over them like precious pieces of gold. It's really not that he is getting older, it's more like HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I AM OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD KID?

It was just yesterday that I was in high school myself (not that I can remember ANY of it).

So to one more year of Layne. For me, a few more wrinkles & alot of sagging butt. But pure joy when I see what a fine human being I created.

Welcome to the Real World

This past year I was consumed by the campaign of Barack Obama. I so wanted him to win the election I would start the day off on Politico.com checking the polls and electoral college map. By the time the election was over I could've told you how many votes each state had and how many ways he could've won. I am NOT a political strategist nor a historian. I am a mother of a teenage boy.  My gut told me this man was one of the good ones, flawed yes, but a human being. 

As I watch every news show and their pundits berate or flatter our President, I have come to realize there is no voice for us, the parents of the kids whose futures will be decided by these know it alls. That's what this blog is, a voice to the people who try to make it every day on sheer will. Be it going to a job that they hate or stretching their paycheck for another days worth of spaghettio's.

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The King of Comedy

I was just starting out as a comic when my friend Jonathon Solomon and I went to see Richard Pryor's first concert film in Times Square NYC. We were the only white and jewish people there. But no matter. This man had the entire theatre laughing so hard that we were all one. That's how good he really was.
Years later I am on the stage of the Comedy Store in LA. A massive man approaches me and tells me that Mr. Pryor would like to speak to me and he brings me over to him and Mitzi Shore, who owns the club. He was very weak so I lean into him and he says to me "You're very funny". I was speechless. This man is my idol and he just said WHAT?
All my years as a "dirty" comic I always tried to keep it funny while saying it as nasty and truthful as possible. It is my homage to Richard.
Rest in Peace
and keep 'em laughing wherever you are.

4th dumbest state in the union

Before I start, let me say that I know my kid is bright. Good grades are expected of him. He gets nervous if he smells a B near his report card. That said, I live in Nevada, which is 47 out of 50 in the Smart State award. We are the fourth dumbest state in the country, since most of our brain is leaking out as we stare numbly at a slot machine.
I figured out why we're so dumb. It's the people running the school district.
I was invited to a PAAL (parents as academic leaders) meeting with our PTSA president. She wanted to bring up the recent shooting of one of our kids' school buses on the way home from school.
We get to the meeting and I swear it was a giant pep rally for "We know we suck but we're gonna do better!" And they had color coded graphs!!! They were so proud!
Obviously that's what is wrong with public education.........NOT ENOUGH COLOR CODED GRAPHS. I'm sure if we just added those to our kids' lives the test scores would rise to the heavens.
But getting back to the bus shooting, we didn't even get a chance to bring it up.
The powers that be were too busy cheerleading. If only the children on the bus had their graphs with them...they never would've been shot at.

morning sucks

It is 6 am,it's cold outside, it's still dark and can someone please explain to me why the fuck children have to be at school at 7 am??????
This helps noone. Layne doesn't even become human before noon and he's straight A's. What about the kids below the reading curve? How do they fucking survive......oh that's right Mickey D's is always hiring. Why try to be smart? Stupidity is in.....you can even rise to the highest job in the land. And noone will call you out about it.

great review from the Review Journal

Thanx to Anthony DelValle for giving me such a glowing review and I didn't even bribe him. You can also see another review at Backstage.com under the title "Momming Around"